


Sleepless Night Or You?

by Badassium1970



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Awkwardness, Canon Related, Confessions, Cuddling, F/M, Feels, Gen, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, PTSD, Plot, Possible requinted feelings, Season 2, Slight fluff, Tension, Unrequinted Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-07 03:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17952524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Badassium1970/pseuds/Badassium1970
Summary: You struggle to sleep. Past missions have caused you to be plagued with nightmares and you never feel safe enough to let yourself sleep. It's caused you a lot of pain and stress. Ward was the only on who noticed or maybe the only one who cared, but now it's been revealed that he's Hydra. Still, you can't sleep and Coulson has allowed you to go to Ward. It leaves you with a lot of mixed feelings.





	Sleepless Night Or You?

**Author's Note:**

> There aren't a lot of Ward/Reader fics which is a damn shame.
> 
> Let me know what you think and if I should write more.

“Are you sure this is the best idea?” You heard May ask, and you were certain she knew that you were still within earshot and hoping Coulson would call you back, putting a stop to this. To be honest, there was a part of you that was hoping for that as well, and you were also sure that Melinda knew that too.

“Honestly? No, but sometimes the right decision isn’t clear; sometimes it doesn’t make sense either. But I can’t in good faith let anyone on this team suffer when there’s another option. 

“A storm is coming and we need to be ready, which includes being in the best shape possible, if we even want to stand a chance at beating this. It’s a lesser of two evils.”

“Ward, the lesser of two evils? After everything he’s done to us!” Fitz began, but you didn’t bother staying to hear the end of his rant. It wasn’t as if it wasn’t the same things you had heard time and time again anyway. 

You didn’t need to hear about how dangerous Ward was as if you hadn’t seen it; been a victim of it first hand. His loyalties had been made clear and it was obvious that he didn’t care about S.H.I.E.L.D. or anyone on the team. He had managed to trick everyone on the team into thinking he was their friend. Slowing appearing more comfortable, to the point where he could joke around and even make fun of himself. It had all been a way to gain trust. Everything had been a lie. There was no point even trying to convince yourself that he did, or that he even had the capacity to.

The fact that you still needed this; needed him, made you feel sick to your stomach. Not only that, you felt ashamed; guilty even. You felt weak. No one else on the team had issues like this and they were all coping despite everything they had been through. 

You cursed yourself for letting it happen in the first place, but Ward had been so kind and caring in a way you had never known before. He had seen that you were struggling when no one else seemed to, or if they had they hadn’t tried to help like he had. 

You’d never let yourself tell anyone of the nightmares you’d been plagued with after a mission had gone south and left you captured and tortured for several months. Sure, you’d received basic therapy but you brushed it off not wanting to appear weak. Jumping back into your normal routine felt like the better thing to do. You didn’t want other agents to think you weren’t competent, especially after just being captured. 

At first it hadn’t mattered to you that sleep came less easily. Surely that was normal, the nightmares too, and they would go away soon enough. 

They never went away, but it wasn’t until recently that they had gotten worse.

After joining Colson’s team you were put on a mission where your sole objective was to get caught. You knew the risks; knew that torture was a potential threat. Luckily it remained only a potential but the mission brought up memories you had tried so hard to suppress. Your nightmares worsened and sleep was something that you feared more than anything else. You never felt safe and went as long as you could without sleep, more often than not trading dozing off for a panic attack instead.

No one questioned your odd sleeping patterns. It wasn’t uncommon for agents to sleep unusual hours. Everyone had odd habits, it came with the job. The bedrooms on the quinjet weren’t overly comfortable considering how small they were, honestly, there were broom closets with more space, so no one could blame you for not wanting to spend much time in such a claustrophobic space.

With everything going on; the chaos of being a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, you couldn’t be mad that no one noticed something was wrong with you, especially when everyone else probably had hang-ups that you had failed to notice. Hiding things was just part of the job at this point. You didn’t want anyone to notice anyway. Or at least, you didn’t think you did.

Then Ward came to you with a proposition.

He’d noticed how little you slept. In the beginning, he was willing to shrug it off since he knew that in this field of work it was sometimes hard to find time to rest, and adjusting to the quinjet could take some time, especially when it wasn’t something you were used to.

After a while though, he began to count how many days you would go without sleep. He noticed the bags under your eyes that you tried so hard to conceal, and the way your voice was sometimes hoarse in the morning as if you had been screaming. The way you flinched whenever someone told you to get some rest or commented that you seemed tired became very apparent to him and made him seek you out.

He said that comfier bed might help. He, Coulson and May all had nicer rooms due to being a higher rank. Colson didn’t agree with the system, but he still followed it, it was hard for him not to at this point. He slept in his office most of the time anyway. May never commented on the fact that she got better sleeping arrangements and everyone was smart enough not to complain.

You were all pretty sure that Ward got the only other spacious, comfier bedroom as a bribe so he would agree to be on the team. It was no secret that he was more of a lone wolf kind of guy. Maybe that should have been a sign. 

Ward also suggested that some company might help make you feel safer, especially if it was someone you trusted.

“Do you trust me?” 

You shouldn’t have. Even then, before you could have possibly known that Hydra was still a threat, you shouldn’t have said yes to a man you had only known for a few months.

You shouldn’t have, but you did.

He’d seen what you were going through, that you were struggling. He’d listened and offered to help. The way he looked at you with sweet brown eyes filled with so much care and concern was so believable that you let yourself fall for it. You let yourself trust Ward.

The whole thing was strictly platonic. He made it clear that he was doing this to help you and that he wasn’t just doing this to get in your pants. It was just another part of the job. People did weirder things to cope with the hand they’d been dealt. 

You had been find with platonic, but it still hurt when he started sleeping with May in a way that was so different to your arrangement with him. He’d come back to his room after, still smelling like her and sex even after showering.

It made it harder for you to sleep, battling the fact that maybe you didn’t want this to be as platonic as it was. You tried to ignore the feelings you didn’t want to acknowledge, especially when you felt like you had no justification for feeling jealous since you had agreed that this would never be anything more than it was. Just two friends helping each other. It wasn’t like you’d had feelings for him before this.

Maybe that was the problem. Before you had only seen him as a fellow agent, a co-worker, but now he was something more. You’d seen other sides to him that weren’t just work, focusing on getting the mission done as fast and as clean as possible. You liked what you had discovered. Ward was now a fully fleshed out person. Not only that but he was someone who had made you a promise.

“I promise to keep you safe. When you’re with me in here you have nothing to worry about. I’ll protect you, I promise.” 

Ward had told you this again and again, especially in the early days of your arrangement as you began to doze off. It was almost like hypnosis and after a while, it became easier to believe and thus sleep came easier.

You scoffed at the memory. So much for that promise considering he’d tried to kill you and had put you in danger countless times ever since he was revealed to be working with Hydra.

This whole Hydra thing was enough to make anyone lose sleep but after a month and a half you couldn’t deal with it anymore. You had become reliant on Ward, which was a mistake even if he hadn’t been Hydra. It was never wise to become reliant on anyone since one wrong move on a mission could mean never seeing them again.

You hadn’t planned on telling anyone what you were dealing with, but Coulson could see. Of course he knew had you had Ward had been doing, and he also apologised for not seeing that you were struggling sooner and for not offering different methods to help. You felt like that was the reason he was letting you do this. Coulson felt guilty and while you didn’t think he had any reason to and didn’t want him to blame himself, you also weren’t going to give up an opportunity to finally get some rest.

If it weren’t for the fact that you knew cameras were practically everywhere on this jet you would have waited outside of Ward’s cell room longer. The last thing you needed was for someone to come down and stop you when you were still trying to convince yourself that you could do this and that you deserved it if it was going to help you sleep. Thinking that if it wasn’t May it would probably be Skye that would stop you made you move faster. You hated the jealousy that you felt towards both Skye and May, it wasn’t their fault that Ward had seduced them as a way of gaining their trust yet hadn’t had to do that with you because he could manipulate you in other ways. It wasn’t their fault that the most affection you had gotten from Ward was him cuddling you while you slept, something you found helped ground you, and sometimes the occasional friendly kiss on your forehead. 

Really that should have been enough, and even if it hadn’t it should have been more than enough now considering everything that had happened.

You made your way into the room and saw Ward staring blankly at the wall in front of him. It was unnerving because even though there was no way he could possibly see you or even know that you were in the room it was as if he was staring right at you.

With a deep breath you pressed two buttons on the control panel for his cell, one that allowed Ward to see you, and another that let him hear you.

A look of surprise flashed in his eyes and then he smiled at you but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. You tried to keep a neutral expression, unsure of what you were feeling anyway.

It was scary knowing exactly who the person in front of you was and the things that he had done, but what was even more terrifying was the fact that seeing him still filled you with a sense of relief; those feelings of safety and security flowed through you despite everything Ward had done.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here,” Ward’s voice was slightly raspy and a bit too quiet, as if he hadn’t spoken for a while. It occurred to you that he probably hadn’t since it was rare for anyone to come down here. Skye used to, but had stopped. She wouldn’t tell anyone why. 

There was still a softness to his tone that you tried to ignore because there was no way this psychopath could really care or be touched that you had paid him a visit.

“After the way Skye reacted to me last time I figured Coulson would keep you all away from me,” his lips turned up into what would have been a smirk if it hadn’t been so sad.

You didn’t know what to say. Words were flying around in your head but you couldn’t grasp any of them. It didn’t help that you had to keep reminding yourself who the person in front of you truly was.

“Trouble sleeping?” Ward asks when he realises you weren’t going to say something anytime soon unless you were prompted. His voice was more casual this time but there was a trace of worry that didn’t help untie the knots in your stomach.

Not trusting your words you simply nodded and Ward gave you a sympathetic smile in return. Again you tried to ignore what it could mean; any implication that he could care about you. Ward was clearly a pathological liar, not to mention highly skilled in the arts of manipulation.

“Must be pretty bad if Coulson is letting you down here, hell I’m surprised no one’s turned up to stop you yet.”

The slight gloating tone in Ward’s tone was making you feel more than a little uneasy but there was no turning back now.

After a few button presses you let yourself into Ward’s room before the cell wall locked again and you were stuck until Coulson or any other member of the team let you out. The fact that at least one person was watching you right now made you feel even more on edge. You hoped that it was Simmons since she was the least likely to say something judgmental and you felt like she would understand being a doctor. Then again Ward did send both her and Fitz down to the bottom of the ocean so maybe not. It was best not to think too hard about it.

Ward was silent as he watched you make your way over to the bed, clearly surprised that you were actually going through with this. He took in just how tired you looked. It had been so long since he had seen you this bad and you actually looked worse but maybe that was due to the fact that you were shaking, something you didn’t realise until Ward put his hand over yours. 

You gasped at the feeling, embarrassed that you were so weak in his presence.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay. I mean, I couldn’t hurt you even if I wanted to. If I attack you I’m sure they’ve got some way to take me out before anyone even gets down here, and they won’t even let me have paper anymore.” 

Your gaze fell down to the deep cuts on Ward’s wrists and you can’t help but feel a little sympathy even if he may not have deserved it.

“Say what you want, can’t be worse than what’s already been said,” Ward let out a hollow laugh and you can hear the pain behind it.

“Coulson had no sympathy, only got someone to save me because he can’t risk losing someone who could be an asset. I’m the only one here that knows what Hydra has planned. If it weren’t for that I’d be dead.

“May’s only okay with the fact that I didn’t die because she wants to do it herself and she’s told me that much and Skye… Skye said I should have cut deeper.”

Ward’s voice was strained as he recalls the memories and you hate how much you feel for him; hate how much you feel for him; hate how much you care that he’s hurting.

“I-I’m… I’m not… I’m glad you’re not dead,” you admit, and yes part of it is for selfish reasons that shouldn’t exist because of how wrong it is but the more rational and logical side of you knows that Ward being alive is helpful in the long run as a way to trace leads and maybe he could be used as leverage at some point. Plus, with everything he and the organisation he was aligned to had done death would be too kind. 

Maybe one day he would see the errors of his ways, and either spend his days rotting in a prison cell filled with regret or he could become a reformed agent. The latter seemed unlikely.

“You’re just using me as a way to sleep but I guess I’ll take what I can get,” Ward shrugs and you stop yourself from arguing that it’s more than that, that in reality you had been falling in love with him and that you cared about him too much to want him dead. You suspected that he was trying to guilt trip you into feeling sorry for him anyway.

“Don’t try and turn this on me. You’re the one who offered this in the first place. And you're the one who betrayed us, fucking ‘I promise to keep you safe’, bullshit!” You try and keep your voice calm but it doesn’t work. The anger you felt suddenly hit you all at once and you realised that you hadn’t ever let yourself really process everything that had happened.

“Technically, I said as long as you were in my room you were safe,” Ward smugly states.

“You always find some way to justify your actions don’t you?” You glare at him. Of course he would find a technicality; a loop-hole so he didn’t actually do anything wrong. You’re so close to deciding that this wasn’t worth it and that not sleeping was better than dealing with Ward.

“Think yourself lucky, this is now my room, therefore I promise you will be safe here,” Ward has that same look of sincerity on his face that he did when he first propositioned you but you weren’t sure you could believe it.

“Look, from here on, no more lies. I made the same deal with Skye and while she doesn’t like everything she hears she knows I haven’t lied to her.” 

You feel a flash of jealousy at the mention of Skye’s name.

“Fine! I need to sleep, so shut up and let me sleep,” you finally give in, hoping that you’ll pass out immediately and when you wake up you can just leave and get on with your life.

Needless to say that doesn’t happen. You were still so trapped in your own head, knowing that this was wrong and shouldn’t feel safe or calming. Lying next to Ward, a very shirtless Ward, should not have felt like home; shouldn’t feel right.

“You’re thinking too loud,” Ward comments. So far he had been nothing but respectful, letting you chose how close the two of you were, asking if it was okay if he took his shirt off, and he didn’t wrap an arm around you like he normally would.

“Sorry if this whole situation is making me feel a little bit conflicted,” you say through gritted teeth.

Ward was quiet for a moment and you could tell he was thinking hard about something.

“I’m guessing I’d never convince you to join me?” He finally asks.

“Am I expected to dignify that with a response?” You scoff at him. Did he really expect you to work for Hydra?

“Can’t blame a guy for trying. It doesn’t have to be Hydra, my reason for being with them died. But look, we’re both fighting for the same thing ultimately; a better world,” Ward muses.

“We have a very different view on what better is.”

Your words are laced with venom. The sickness in your stomach is replaced with a fire and you want to fight but you have a feeling that’s what Ward wants as well and that isn’t what you’re here for.

“Right from now on, no work talk,” you begin, an idea forming.

“Let’s play pretend. Act like we live in a world with no Hydra or S.H.I.E.L.D., we’re just two normal people, with normal lives, sleeping together.”

“A couple?” Ward suggests in a way that sounds innocent but there’s a promise there. You find it easier to ignore the way your heart feels as if it’s beating faster at the idea and instead focus on the disgust that’s also there.

“If that makes it easier,” you brush off his comment with a dismissive tone and settle down to sleep, this time a little closer to Ward now that you’re in a new mindset. You’d done enough undercover work to be able to pretend to be in a relationship, this could be just like that.

“Would you have wanted that?” Ward questions not willing to let this go so easily. He drapes an arm across you, holding you close just like he used to and you hate yourself because it still helps and you feel yourself growing calm again and that feeling of safety is back.

“You’re a spy Ward, you’ve done so many interrogations because you’re so good at reading people so don’t play dumb and act like you don’t know.

Or that you even care for that matter. Maybe you should just go and ask Skye instead.” 

The bitterness couldn’t be helped. You’d held all this back for so long and weren’t expected to be confronted about your feelings. Why was Ward even asking? Was it just to hurt you even more than he already had? Had he not done enough already?

“I’m not interested in Skye like that,” Ward begins and you roll your eyes even though he couldn’t see.

“I thought I was for a while, same with May to be honest, but it never felt right. Relationships aren’t my strong suit, and when I kissed Skye, well I just felt guilty.”

“You, guilty?” Do you even know the meaning of the word?”

Ward decides to ignore that and continues. 

“I felt guilty, with both May and Skye, because they weren’t you. I realised that it was always you, always, and I wish I had seen that sooner,” Ward admits and the sincerity in his voice makes you hate him and Hydra even more.

“Me too.

“I also wish you weren’t part of a terrorist organisation. I wish you hadn’t tried to kill me and my friends. I wish I could still say you were a good person.

“So in conclusion, no, I don’t want to be a couple. Not anymore.”

You were surprised by your own words. Finally, everything started to fall together and your feelings became clearer. You still felt unsure, but less so. Guess all it took to put things into perspective was a much too late confession from the person you thought you could have loved. Maybe in another life, you could have.

“Now, like I said, let’s pretend we aren’t us, we’re too normal people helping each other out. We’ll have this one night,” you don’t add that you won’t be doing this again and have no plans of visiting Ward again but he picks up on the implication.

“I love you,” he whispers against the back of your neck as he held you close, kissing the back of your neck. You sink into his touch and hold back a gasp at the feeling of his soft lips on your skin. It’s what you thought you had always wanted but it was all too late.

“Goodnight Grant,” you say as your eyelids grow healthy. You take comfort in the heat of the body next to you but don’t think about who it is. Now that you know this is the last night this is happening and that you aren’t in love with Ward you stop fighting any thoughts about how wrong it is and just let yourself have this one night.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on instagram:
> 
> Art: https://www.instagram.com/retro_roses/?hl=en
> 
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> 
> Marvel account: https://twitter.com/badassium1970


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